


Thorns & Roses ➤Bellatrix Lestrange X Fem!OC

by eekhoorntje



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bellatrix Lestrange - Freeform, F/F, Harry Potter - Freeform, Helena Bonham Carter - Freeform, LGBT, Lesbian, The Marauders - Freeform, femoc - Freeform, jkrowling, maraudersera
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 22:35:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29196966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eekhoorntje/pseuds/eekhoorntje
Summary: ''What is love...?''''Love is pain. No matter how good it feels in the beginning, love will always be concluded with heartache.''Charlene- Charlie- Fleet. An everyday fifth-year student at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry.But as the grievous event of her sister's sudden death takes place Charlie is left in pieces, as she receives no more pleasure of life's ways and she finds herself in a raging battle between good and evil; her darkening emotions strangling her mind and personality as she inches further into the darkness, giving up more and more of her life.But on this journey, she is not alone. People have left her in the past for her strange ways and disturbing mind, but some, are meant to stay, no matter how hard life gets...And that is love...Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter*WARNING*This story may contain topics that may be triggering to certain audiences. Tread with care, for your own safety.
Relationships: Bellatrix Black Lestrange/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1 ➛The Danger of Innocence

Barely a month has passed since the horrible death of my sweet little sister. Witch and human, she had been the most caring and lovely person alive. She wouldn't hurt a fly if she could help it, and still, she was ruthlessly killed, for no apparent reason; her death's only cause being _amusement_ to the one that killed her.

The thought made me sick to the stomach. How could someone be so dark and twisted, that taking the life of an innocent, young girl, a _child_ , brings satisfaction to their desires?

Life was different after that; sleepless nights, terrorizing flashbacks and sudden, unannounced anxiety attacks popping up at the most unfortunate moments.

Life...

It had become more of a challenge than a blessing and I was growing tired of it all; I found myself in desperate need for reasons to continue living because currently, the odds were certainly not in the favour of life. For where once had been joy and pleasure, I could now only find pain and darkness.

My irritated and tired eyes strayed to Lucy's form, resting in the bed next to me; peaceful form, eyes closed, mouth agape and her long, blonde hair draped all over her face.

It filled my heart with guilt as I watched her undisturbed, satisfied expression as she slept. When awake and around me, Lucy would only be worried and uncertain, since she no longer knew how she was to deal with my current state. I often tried to reassure her, telling her that I was OK- even if this wasn't the truth in all cases- but she always knew when I was lying and it made me feel bad that I was dragging her down this pit with me.

As I watched her sleep, I lazily glanced at my watch, noticing that I still found myself in the wee hours of the day. The sun had not yet risen, but I no longer wished for my bed. After a sleepless night of staring up at the ceiling, overthinking life as it was, I needed a little stress relief.

So, instead of waiting for my roommates to wake up, I threw the covers off of me, quickly fastened my cloak around my shoulders and quietly walked down into the Ravenclaw common room. Letting out a sigh of relief as I found it completely deserted, I quietly descended the steps, shivering slightly as my feet connected with the icy stone.

The Ravenclaw common room had been one of my favourite places at Hogwarts before Anne's demise; the bookshelves offering hundreds, if not, thousands of books, the fireplace, the view from all the windows. It had truly felt like home. But now my feelings were a jumble, an indistinctive mess that I seemed unable to sort out.

But moments like these did make me feel _something_ close to distinct. The peaceful quiet and relieving sound of my footsteps against the stones. Roaming the castle at night was forbidden, but the rush it gave me was undeniable and it might've become a little addictive.

Instead of lingering within the common room, I quietly opened the heavy wooden door and slipped into the corridor beyond, greeted by flawed darkness; the windows allowing soft rays of moonlight to spill inside and onto the floor, illuminating the way before me as I started to walk.

I was uncertain for how long I had been walking when I suddenly froze as a loud clamour erupted from around the corner, followed by a hushed scolding. The voice sounded female and irritated.

Hesitantly, I neared the corner and peeked around, seeing a total of four figures, heads bowed in hushed conversation before the staffroom door.

After a while, I started wondering if they were frozen, or something similar, for none of them moved for the greater part of a minute until they suddenly but quietly burst into action, and I found myself witnessing them breaking into the staffroom.

One person of the group sprung toward the door, as two tall people stood guard beside the door, glancing down both sides of the hallway, and directly at me. I jumped back, taking cover around the corner, feeling my heart raced wildly as I pressed my back against the cold stone of the wall.

When the guy had looked at me, I had, however, gotten a glance of his house emblem, catching a sliver of green among his dark robes.

 _Slytherin,_ I thought.

_Of course, it's Slytherins..._

It took me a good few moments before my curiosity had once more overcome my anxiety and I dared to peek around the corner.

As I now redirected my glance at the group, I noticed a fourth person, a few steps away from the group, watching the progress before her, wand in hand. Her hood had been pulled over her head, obscuring most of her face from the angle I was watching. However, I was able to make out the outline of dark curls surrounding her face.

Suddenly there sounded a satisfying click, followed by a soft, triumphant exclaim as the door swung inward silently.

The secluded person strode forward, entering the room first, a smug grin on her pale face as she looked down on her victory. From there on what happened inside was all a mystery to me and I waited impatiently, wondering what the hell they were doing.

Until suddenly...

_BANG_

There was a flash of light and I sprang up in surprise as the loud explosion shook me to the core. Out, ran the girl, sniggering as she went, her dark curls dancing around her pale face as her hood slid off her head.

I was still shocked by what had happened and failed to realize in time that I was standing in the middle of the corridor, in plain sight. And as she turned my way, an excited grin on her sharp features, our eyes locked.

I watched her in shock, mouth agape and widened eyes, as I saw a thin stream of smoke snaking its way out of the staffroom and into the corridor. Her smirk only deepened at my reaction before she suddenly turned and ran after her friends, presumably returning to the safety of the Slytherin common room.

And as I turned back to the way I had come, knowing I should leave too, I still found myself in a state of utter shock. And I realized who I had just come face to face with.

The one and only Bellatrix Black.

* * *

As I sneaked back into the Ravenclaw common room I could already hear a rumbling of noises upstairs, coming from one of the dormitories. Knowing I had little time left before I would find myself among other students, I hurried upstairs and back to the safety of my own dormitory, finding my friends still fast asleep, snoring softly.

I dove underneath the covers, my mind preoccupied with the strange occurrences of only moments ago. First off, I hadn't realized what time it had been when I ran into them and had not expected to find anyone at all. And then the strange and intense moment of eye-contact I had with Bellatrix Black. The bully.

After she, expectedly blew up the entire staffroom. That's the least I'd expect with such a loud explosion. But then again, there had been dead silence before, so maybe that made it seem louder. But in any case, I suddenly realized I had no idea of what the small group of Slytherins had done to the staff room and I found myself yearning with curiosity.

For only a slight second I considered returning. It would be too dangerous to return there now since it'd probably soon be crowded with people and I didn't want to seem suspicious. And so I decided to nonchalantly pass it on my way to the Great Hall for breakfast.

I was definitely exhausted due to my inability to sleep, but adrenaline was also still pumping through my veins, my heart still beating madly as I lay beneath the covers, waiting for the world around me to wake up. And I, to my surprise, suddenly realized that I had been able to distract myself off my sister's death for a while.

The thought gave me a sudden surge of motivation and I glanced at my watch, seeing it was six-thirty, I got up out of bed, deciding I was still too excited from what had happened to rest, and I was going to take a shower and get ready for the rest of the day, feeling confident that I was going to be able to handle it _right_ this time.

* * *

It had been a long and tedious night, but still, I felt an energetic burst as I stepped into the crowded common room and looked down on the groups of Ravenclaws. Most already found themselves near the bookshelves while others were seated around the fireplace, conversing in low voices. Another group, I presume first-years, were chasing each other, narrowly dodging some other students as they weaved their way through the crowds.

Anne would usually be standing at the bottom of the steps of my dormitory, smiling up at me as I descended. Once again I missed her terribly, the ache in my chest returned momentarily, but I repressed the thoughts as I was convinced today was going to be a better day.

''Hey, Charlie, wait up,'' Lucy shouted from the top of the stairs. I turned to her, a small smile plastered on my face as she came rushing down the stairs. Together we set off toward the Great Hall.

Lucy seemed pleasantly surprised at my sudden positive attitude and smiled as we walked through the corridors.

I hadn't planned for Lucy to come along and was, therefore, a little disappointed that I couldn't go past the staffroom. However, I knew I would find out what happened there soon enough through the stories and rumours that would spread like wildfire.

For a moment I took my mind off it as we entered the Great Hall to find it still fairly empty. Most of the students present were seated at the Ravenclaw table, most of whom were known for their obsessive fascination with their studies. Most were therefore sitting alone, reading a book as they calmly consumed their breakfast.

As Lucy and I took our seats at the long, wooden table, I cast a glance at the professors' table and noticed that only Professor McGonagall and Professor Flitwick were seated there, and neither of their expressions were pleasant as they gazed down at the students, their mouths moving in silent conversation.

I wondered if their moods had something to do with the incident in the staffroom. It would make sense; for they may not be the most flexible teachers, but they are not unnecessarily stern when it is not required.

Gradually the Great Hall became more crowded as students came for their daily breakfast, seating themselves at the table belonging to their house. To my annoyance, with the greater crowds also came greater noise. And a headache had started building up in my head, so I wasn't quite keen on the chaotics of the Great Hall.

So I turned to Lucy who was sitting next to me, reading the newest edition of the Daily Prophet, and told her about my headache. As I made my way toward the entrance I suddenly stopped dead in my tracks as I noticed Bellatrix Black entering.

She was surrounded by a few other people, one which I recognized from the night before. And as she walked down to the Slytherin table, ignoring the stares and fearful glances people sent her way, she pushed past me.

I couldn't help but feel slightly mistreated by her blunt ways, since I had seen her breaking twenty rules, at least. So as I looked back to confront her, I caught her eyes and she sent me a knowing grin, before seating herself.

Again, I stood there, in shock as I watched her sit there, grabbing a piece of toast from the stands and taking a bite, before glancing at me with a raised brow, her dark curls falling past her face. Turning, I mentally cursed myself for my strange behaviour. Why was she constantly leaving me in shock and awe? It made absolutely no sense to me.

Black was a bully. How could I feel so exceptionally drawn to her?

But before anyone else would notice the odd situation I had created, I hurried from the Great Hall and up the steps, back to the Ravenclaw common room, flushed cheeks as her grin was still rooted freshly in my mind. 

Author's note:

Hello! Thank you for reading my story. I hope you've enjoyed the first chapter. This story is also published on Wattpad, for the people who prefer to read on there. Thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2 ➛A Curious Glance

**Chapter 2 ➛A Curious Glance**

I lay in my bed, enjoying the solidarity my dorm was currently offering me. My mind was filled with images of Bellatrix running from the staffroom after the explosion, the smug grin on her face as she had so suddenly noticed me. 

It was strange, I thought. Why was she not scared? Or anxious, at the least. Someone had seen her carry out an action that would get her in real trouble, perhaps even get her expelled. And she had just  _ grinned _ . Where was the logic behind that?

I pondered my questions for a good while, forgetting the time as I lay wondering about Bellatrix. But as I finally, panickily glanced at my watch, I realized I had History of Magic first period. 

Already five minutes late, I jumped out of bed, quickly gathering my books and stuffing them into my bag before throwing open the door and rushing down the steps. This was the third time now in a period of only two weeks that I was late for History of Magic, and so I found myself dashing through the deserted halls. 

As I finally reached the classroom, my face red and sweaty from exertion I threw the door open and stepped inside, breathing heavily as I stared back at all the curious, turned faces. 

Professor Binns was staring at me blankly, his transparent form floating just above the wooden ground. 

‘’This would be the second time this week you find yourself storming into my classroom, late,’’ he said evenly. Remaining silent, I looked over at the desk at the very front as he pointed at it.

‘’That will be a twenty inch essay on the Goblin Revolution and three days of detention,’’ he stated as he returned his attention to the class, resuming his lecture. 

Groaning silently, I reluctantly approached the front desk, earning several sarcastic cheers and whistles from the Slytherins as they watched me go. Seating myself, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at the wall before me, unable to concentrate on what Professor Binns was saying. 

And so, the hour dragged on painfully slowly. 

**✗**

My mind was clogged as I walked down the packed corridors. Classes had just ended and everyone was seemingly dying to go to their desired places. Of course, most were heading outside to enjoy the lovely weather early spring had offered this year.

But sadly, I was unable to partake in any of these activities since I was stuck with three days of detention and an essay that was due in two days. The thought of my piling homework made me feel dreary, but I somehow managed to push down stress.

A group of passing Gryffindor boys smirked at one another before one of them shoved one of his friends towards me. In annoyance I pushed him off me, sending a furious glare his way to which he held his hands up apologetically, only to grin and turn back to his friend. People around us were laughing, but I rolled my eyes and ignored their idiotic comments as I passed.

Never before had I shown any true emotion around people I was unfamiliar with, and I was not going to start now. I was a tough nut to crack, with quite some trust-issues, even more so since Anne’s demise. 

And so, walls up and brows furrowed in a slightly intimidating way, I entered the room. 

To my surprise, it was nearly empty. Only two other people were seated in the room and they were sitting as far apart from each other as possible. 

The Slytherin at the back had been staring in front of her, a slight frown on her face. She seemed to have been lost in her world for a moment. But as I entered her gaze was suddenly directed at me, staring as I proceeded toward the far end of the room where I sat down beside the window. 

I was aware of her intense gaze on me and I knew who she was. Even from the corner of my eye, I had been able to discern her striking features as she looked up at me. 

She was pretty, I had always found; dark curls dancing about her pale face and sharp features. And of course, her beautiful, brown eyes always staring with a strange glint. 

The first few times I had seen her before I had learnt about her frightening reputation among the students of Hogwarts, I had felt exceptionally drawn to her. I had been uncertain about it because it had been a new feeling and experience for me. But as I was filled in by the other students and found out that Bellatrix Black was a bully and took pleasure in others’ pain, I felt frustrated and conflicted. 

Somehow this had been hard for me to process. How could I possibly feel so drawn to a twisted person? How could I find her so fascinating and intriguing? Why did I still, even after I found out all that she’s done, and seen it happening before my own eyes? 

We hadn’t spoken before, and I was regularly new at Hogwarts, so that wasn’t strange. Having done my first four years of magical education at Ilvermorny, I had only been here for half a year, and still, a lot of people remained unknown to me. 

I was uncertain how Black thought of me, even now in my state of despair and grief. Usually, when people caught her eye she’d make remarks to them, probing their insecurities, or downright insult them and sometimes even threaten to curse them if she was in a bad mood. But that never happened to me. Never had she bullied me like all the others, nor had she ever made any snide remark, in spite of our regular eye-contact. 

She was intriguing, and I was eager to find out more about her, even if it went against, probably, everyone I knew.

She remained quiet, curiously watching me from her seat as I took out my copy of  _ a History of Magic _ . Her gaze was burning on my back and I could feel her stare, so impulsively, I turned to her. But as I did, my breath hitched as our eyes locked and I once more found myself staring at her. 

Her pretty, dark brown eyes were watching me intrigued and I felt myself slipping into some sort of trance as I watched her, my mind going completely blank. But then as I realized what I was doing she did too and we both snapped out of it. 

I could feel a furious blush come to my cheeks as she raised an eyebrow, a smirk forming on her lips. Turning away from her, I started on my essay, or at least I tried. It was impossible now that my mind was occupied with Bellatrix Black once more. 

I did, luckily, after a while no longer feel her gaze on me. But the distraction of her presence was still overwhelming my concentration and focus. 

Besides the strange events of the day, I was also downright exhausted. I had not slept a wink the night before and my eyes were irritated and itchy as I tried to focus my gaze on the pages. 

Rubbing them tiredly, I sighed and wished for the persistent headache to fade. My life had grown unnecessarily complicated and it was tiring. 

The hour dragged on painfully slowly as I continually glanced at my watch, wishing for time to speed up. All I wanted now was just to lie in bed and sleep. But sadly, detention would stretch on for another twenty minutes.

Occasionally I felt Bellatrix’s stare on my back, but I tried to ignore it, especially since she had me so flustered before.

Besides the scribbling of quills, all was dead silent and I could often feel my eyelids drooping as I attempted to read about the Goblin Revolution. However, I was suddenly jolted awake as Professor McGonagall regarded us quietly,

‘’I will be gone for a moment. Continue your work and if I catch any of you have moved an inch from where you had been seated before, there will be consequences.’’ Her gaze focused solely on Bellatrix who watched her innocently in return. 

The young professor scurried from the room, closing the door behind her. Just as it did, I heard the cold voice behind me mimic her mockingly, ‘’ _ There will be consequences _ ,’’ before she sniggered to herself and rose from her desk. She walked over to the boy at the front whose shoulders tensed as he heard her footsteps approaching. He must’ve been about thirteen and obviously didn’t stand a chance.

Gazing down at the parchment before him, she read what he had written. She took the parchment in a flash and as he reflexively grabbed after it, she murmured dangerously, ‘’don’t you dare, mudblood.’’ as she held it just out of his reach. Her eyes scanned the parchment, attempting to decipher his scrawny handwriting. 

‘’This seems an important essay, for transfiguration if I’m correct?’’ she asked as he looked up at her. He once more grabbed at it, but Bellatrix held it just out of his reach glaring at him intensely. So, he nodded before stuttering, ‘’I-it will weigh very h-h-eavy.’’

I felt a twinge of sympathy for the young Gryffindor as Bellatrix smirked at him before her hands slipped to the top of the paper. ‘’Then you must take good care of it, we wouldn’t want it to get damaged, now would we, mudblood?’’ she said as she slowly started to rip the parchment in two before the eyes of the poor boy. Whimpering, he watched as she dropped the ripped up pieces of parchment back on his desk. 

‘’So sorry. But I do tend to be very clumsy around fragile items,’’ she said as she shrugged her shoulders and straightened, looking down at the tearful boy, a satisfactory glint in her eyes.

She gave him a rather hard pat on the back which made him shake even more before returning to her desk and saying, ‘’I would be more careful of my possessions in the future if I were you. It’d be a shame to fail this year only because of your own carelessness.’’

I had been watching the scene silently, glaring at her all the while. ‘’You’re truly messed up,’’ I called to her as I got up and walked over to the teary boy, taking out my wand and mending the parchment with a simple spell.

He watched me gratefully, rubbing the tears from his eyes with the back of his sleeve, his hands still trembling. Bellatrix had watched me defiantly the entire time but I caught her gaze, refusing to be cowed by her. But as our eyes locked the defiance in her gaze faded slightly, only to be replaced by intrigue and curiosity.

‘’Well, I must say it’s quite new to find someone challenging me like this,’’ she said, a smirk growing on her thin lips. ‘’Usually, most cower in fear.’’

Her eyes flicked over my body. I could feel a blush coming to my cheeks, but I refused to stand down and let her intimidate me. 

But as her gaze once more returned to mine, I noticed there was a strange twinkle in her eyes. One I had not seen before. But then it faded as she added, sneering slightly,

‘’Especially filthy mudbloods, like yourself.’’

I glared at her but remained silent, knowing I would only make a fool of myself if I reacted to her insults. But as I held my ground, she suddenly got up and walked over to me, slowly, wand in hand, but not threateningly. 

She circled me for a moment, looking me up and down, occasionally catching my eye. 

‘’And what’s a Ravenclaw doing in detention? I thought you lot were supposed to be the smart ones?’’ she said as she continued circling me, her dark eyes straying. 

‘’And what’s Bellatrix Black doing here? Got caught for your little trick?’’ I spat back, my anger now taking control of my actions. I was tired, positively exhausted, irritable and frustrated by the way life turned out. And now, it was being triggered into action, all emotions I had buried before now floating back up to the surface. 

She halted before me, staring at me coldly, her dark eyes boring into my skull. ‘’So it was you,’’ she then murmured. ‘’Filthy mudblood. told on me, now did you?’’ she said glaring at me as she took a step closer, our faces now inches apart. 

Swallowing hard I looked into her eyes and found that the twinkle from before had vanished. Now all I could see was the anger behind her eyes. 

‘’Now I wonder what  _ you _ were doing, straying the castle at that time of day. Perhaps Professor McGonagall would like to know you were not in your bed,’’ she said. ‘’Or was it because you couldn’t you sleep after the death of your filthy little mudblood sister?’’ Her voice was barely a whisper as she said it, but it was enough to set me off. 

Grabbing her by the throat I slammed her back against the wall, my eyes blazing with fury as I growled, ‘’Never speak of her.’’

Her smug expression had now dissipated as she stared me in the eyes, her hand grabbing at mine and tearing it away, her wand pointed at me. Before I could react in time I had been blown backwards against the opposite wall. The air was knocked out of me as I slid down, head bowed and vision blurred by the impact. 

The Gryffindor boy whimpered before he rushed from the classroom, calling for Professor McGonagall. 

‘’Never threaten me, mudblood,’’ Bellatrix hissed as she approached my slumped form, now grabbing my throat as she pushed me against the wall. Staring up at her with a glare, I could feel warm liquid running down my face from my nose. 

I saw her cast a hesitant glance to my nose before she pushed me away from her and returned to her seat at her desk, glaring at me still, before directing her gaze at the door as Professor McGonagall rushed in, the boy at her heel. 

As she entered, her eyes immediately strayed to me and she let out a worried exclaim as she realized the state I was in. 

I felt numb, however, tears in my eyes. Never before had I had such an extreme outburst, but somehow Bellatrix had dug up all old emotions I had managed to repress. And no matter how ashamed I was of my outburst, I could not deny that it had felt  _ damn _ good to finally let it out. 

But now I was a broken mess as I sat on the floor, holding my ribs and staring at the opposite wall with teary eyes.

‘’My god, dear. What happened?’’ McGonagall exclaimed as she helped me up. Remaining silent, I cast a quick glance at Bellatrix who was staring at the window, refusing to catch my eye, seemingly angry, but not at me…

  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3 ➛Scathed Pride

Professor McGonagall brought me to the hospital wing, talking frantically and scolding me for the fight between me and Bellatrix. She had dismissed her and the Gryffindor boy after the incident and supported my weight as she led me away. 

My chest hurt at the slightest movement, breathing even seemed to cause me immeasurable pain and in an attempt to soften the pain I walked slightly bowed over, limping along the corridor and drawing curious but concerned glances from straying students. But no matter how bad the pain, my mind was occupied.

I was still in a daze by what had happened and I found myself, despite my pain, wondering what Bellatrix had gotten up to after her dismissal; she had rushed from the classroom, avoiding my gaze as Professor McGonagall sent her to Professor Slughorn, head of Slytherin. Was she badly punished? After what she’d done to the staffroom I doubted she would be treated lightly. 

Of course, I was still furious with her for daring to bring up Anne, but somehow she had seemed regretful afterwards; her smug expression had remained absent after what happened, which was abnormal from her usual ways. 

As the school matron caught sight of the pair of us, she hurried over, supporting me by my other arm. Together they helped me up one of the beds and I grunted as I positioned myself, before laying quietly and looking at them as they took a few steps away from me, speaking in hushed conversation.

The matron shot me occasional, concerned glances as she spoke with Professor McGonagall about what had happened. As their conversation came to an end, McGonagall gave me a quiet nod before making her way from the hospital wing. 

Closing my eyes for a moment, I rested my head against the pillow and watched as the matron approached me slowly, examining me, worriedly. ‘’Oh dear, what’s become of you,’’ she murmured as she halted beside my bed and looked down at me.

‘’Did you sleep, last night?’’ she asked, her voice reacquiring its regular volume, as she looked down at me. Shaking my head in a slow manner, I closed my eyes and sighed. 

‘’I just can’t,’’ I said, rubbing my eyes before opening them again. ‘’Every time I’m starting to drift off, her face will suddenly appear as she dies…’’ my voice broke as I finished my sentence. ‘’And when I do manage to slip away I’m always haunted by nightmares.’’

‘’Poor child.’’ She seemed genuinely troubled by my state of distress. I was happy she cared for me, but sadly it made me feel no less alone. ‘’Next time when you can’t sleep, come to me. I can make you a sleeping draught,’’ she said as she smiled at me, sadly. 

This had not been the first time I had ended up in the Hospital Wing. But since Anne’s death, my visits grew more frequent. It was an undeniable fact that seemed to worry people. Especially the matron. She was one of the few who were aware of the actual state I was in.

My tired gaze was fixed on her since I had grown too tired to shift it elsewhere. ‘’I’ll fix you up, but I think it’s best if you stay here overnight. I would like to keep an eye on you,’’ she said as she took out her wand. It took her only moments to relieve my pain and cure my ailments for which I was grateful. 

I was uncertain what time of day it was, and the vague but persistent, anxious thought of all my unfinished essays and assignments made my chest ache with stress, but now that rest was so close-by and I found myself buried beneath the sweetly warm and cosy covers of the hospital bed, I was unable to do anything but remain there, lying and staring at the ceiling with half-closed eyes. And as I rested- having consumed a dose of sleeping draught- finally feeling somewhat at peace, my eyelids grew heavy and I lost consciousness before another thought could intrude my mind.

**✗**

No matter how exhausted I was, nor how much potion I took, never would it keep the nightmares at bay, dooming me to relive that horrible experience time and time again, robbing me of precious sleep.

Tonight, however, my nightmare was a twisted version of the actual events and it became all the more disturbing and heartbreaking. 

Anne was facing her killer, their back turned to me, hood pulled up so I could not recognize their face. Anne’s gaze was one of pure fear as she watched me with teary eyes, her eyes swiftly darting between me and her attacker. 

As the danger of the situation had finally caught up to me, a high-pitched cackle sounded followed by a flash of bright, red light. Anne’s body fell to the floor, a small pool of blood rapidly forming around her body. I screamed my lungs out as I watched her body fall to the floor, limply. And a moment later I found myself running at the person, wand out and ready to curse them and feel the satisfaction as their body crashed into the ground.

But I found myself frozen as the person turned, and I immediately recognized  _ her _ , Bellatrix; her pale face bearing that unmistakable, malicious grin, features darkened as she chuckled triumphantly,  _ madly _ , even, as her eyes drowned in defiance and satisfaction as she stared me down, seemingly proud of what she’d done. 

Anger flared inside of me and impulsively I had dropped my wand and ran at her, determined I would beat the living shit out of her. But before I had even managed to take a set of steps, a flash of light obscured my vision and I fell back, feeling blood soaking my robes. 

And as I fell to the ground, staring at the ceiling, with helpless, teary eyes, she suddenly came into my vision, leaning over me her expression robbed of any smugness. 

She kneeled beside me, placing her wand down and whispering, ‘’It was necessary, love,’’ before pressing her lips gently against my forehead. 

I woke with a start and found myself sitting up straight, panting as I leaned back on my elbows. My sweaty face looking around, still feeling cautious and disoriented by the intrusive nightmare. 

But as memories gradually came flooding back, I relaxed a little, staring at the windows opposite my bed, now feeling the crushing agony and sadness piercing the numbness I had felt before. I could feel tears pricking my eyes, but I repressed them, taking a deep breath, telling myself it was just a harmless nightmare. 

And as I thought that moment couldn’t get any worse, I suddenly noticed movement from the corner of my eye. Immediately I grabbed for my wand on the bedside table and pointed it at the darkness. 

My heart was beating madly as I waited, watching as a person stepped forward into the moonlight. Bellatrix raised her hands in front of her, watching me shocked as she approached me slowly. 

_ What the hell is she doing here?  _ I thought as I dropped my wand to the bed and glared at her, watching as she came closer. ‘’What are you doing here?’’ I spat as I slowly straightened my legs underneath the covers. 

Immediately her brows furrowed and she watched me angrily. ‘’Cut the attitude, mudblood. I’m only here because I couldn’t sleep,’’ she snapped.

Watching her sceptically, I was reminded of my nightmare and felt absolutely dreadful inside, wondering if the aching pain would ever fade. But for now, all I could do as my hurt transformed into anger was direct it at other people. And she had become rather much of a trigger for me; creating a whirlwind of confusing and frustrating feelings inside of me every time she engaged with me.

‘’And why couldn’t you sleep? Feeling guilty?’’ 

Glowering at me intensely, she narrowed her eyes before turning and starting to walk away. 

But as I watched her go, my anger suddenly dissolved and I found myself fearing to be left alone with my thoughts and feelings in the dark. So calling out to her, I said, ‘’Wait! Don’t go.’’

She halted before slowly turning to me, her expression hardening. ‘’And why would I do that? It’s clear you’re not open to what I have to say,’’ she said, her voice toned evenly as she stared at me in the moonlight. 

‘’I-,’’ Desperately, I looked for words as her dark brown eyes bored into my skull. There was no reason I could find to tell her, so instead, I changed tack and asked, ‘’Why did you come here?’’

Shrugging, she took a few steps closer, saying, ‘’What do you want me to tell you?’’ as if she too, was uncertain why. 

My brow furrowed and I raised one eyebrow at her interesting reaction. ‘’How about the truth?’’ 

She halted in the moonlight, now staring down at my face, no more anger or irritation on her stunning features, not even in her eyes. ‘’But what if you won’t like the truth?’’ And as she said it, I noticed that same twinkle appear as before and suddenly felt mesmerized by it.

‘’Then you shall tell it anyway,’’ I said, my voice slowly softening as we stared at one another.

I was confused by this little game she was playing, but I couldn’t help but participate; she seemed sincere and I had never before seen her in the state she was currently in, walls slowly breaking as her inner emotions floated to the surface. And I hated to admit it, but it seemed that she was doing the same to me.

Our eyes were locked and for a moment we remained silent, watching one another intently. But then she cleared her throat and broke eye-contact by looking down at the floor. ‘’As a matter of fact, I came here to make sure I hadn’t killed you,’’ she said, her usual cold demeanour now returning. 

‘’Well, it’ll take a little more than a single spell to kill me,’’ I said as I quickly rebuild my walls around me, too, reflecting her cold stature. 

She narrowed her eyes at me, knowing I was mocking her and daring me to say another word. Smirking, I raised my eyebrows and said quietly, ‘’Especially from you.’’

Immediately she rushed toward me, grabbing my throat and pushing my head back against the wall behind my bed. Gasping at her sudden, intrusive action, I stared into her eyes, my gaze darting as she spoke, our faces mere inches apart. 

‘’Careful now, mudblood. I could kill you also without the use of any spells,’’ she growled, glaring into my eyes. 

My heart was beating in my throat as I looked at her from this close, my eyes alert but seemingly sinking away into her gaze, my insides screaming for...for what? What the hell was she doing to me?

I knew it was stupid to have her pierce my wariness as she did, but I somehow couldn’t help it; her eyes being the perfect well to drown in, a bottomless ocean harbouring secrets that had never before been unearthed before, by  _ anyone _ .

_ Why is she so beautiful?  _ I thought as I felt her hand tighten a little around my throat. Swallowing, my lips parted a little as her eyes darted toward them, before flicking her gaze back to my eyes.

But as she did, her gaze wavered for a mere moment and she immediately released me, taking a few, hesitant steps back and stared as if I was something unnatural, before dashing away and exiting the Hospital Wing in a flurry of robes. 

As I watched her go, clutching my throat and rubbing the spot where she had held me, I wondered what the  _ hell _ had just happened?

**✗**

The next morning I had woken to the sound of the matron’s voice, as she shook me softly. ‘’Your lessons will be starting in about an hour, dear. Best to wake up and get ready for the day.’’

I nodded appreciatively and watched her scurry off as I pushed myself upright on my elbows, still feeling quite tired even after my rest.  _ Had it all been a dream? _ I wondered, now feeling uncertain as I recounted the events. Her grip on my throat had been tight and had felt very real, as had the attraction I had felt toward her. 

_ Attraction,  _ I thought.  _ Why is that the first word I think of? _

Wondering if perhaps there was a reason for this, memories of her terrorizing students made me shake my head to banish the thoughts.  _ She’s a bully, there is nothing she can offer me,  _ I thought hoping it would suffice. I got up and quickly changed into my school uniform and made my way to the Ravenclaw common room. 

All the way I felt a little wobbly, my mind constantly intruded by thoughts of Bellatrix and the previous night. I had grown frustrated by her occupance of my mind; constantly- even when not around her- thoughts of her would slither into my head, conjuring up her face in my mind’s eye every so often.

Groups of students were already moving through the corridors, glancing at me and quietly whispering as I passed. Ignoring them, I proceeded to the Great Hall for breakfast. I hadn’t eaten anything since Professor McGonagall had taken me to the Hospital Wing the day before so I was quite famished. 

But as I entered, conversations quieted and mutters started to erupt around me, and I could feel a lot of curious eyes turned to me, as friends spoke to one another in silent conversation, staring.

It was normal for people to stare at me since Anne, but this was starting to feel a little abnormal. Frowning in confusion, I made my way to my usual seat to find Lucy already seated, watching me with that same curious look as the others. ‘’What’s going on?’’ I asked her softly as I scanned the crowds confusedly. 

‘’It’s been spreading through the school like wildfire,’’ Lucy said with an excited grin. ‘’Is it really true that you stood up to her?’’ She cast a quick glance toward Bellatrix’s hunched form at the Slytherin table. 

Looking over at her, she seemed somewhat  _ distracted _ , this morning. I wondered what was on her mind for a quick moment, before returning my attention to Lucy and raising an eyebrow. 

‘’Is that what this is about?’’ My tone was surprised, laced with slight confusion. ‘’Surely, anyone can stand up to her?’’ 

Watching me giddily, Lucy shook her head, and suddenly shifted her gaze, staring over my shoulder, her expression changing. As I turned, I quickly found out why, a pair of Gryffindor boys came up to us, staring with smug expressions. 

‘’So, you’re the legendary Charlie Fleet?’’ the one with black, unkempt hair said. Raising an eyebrow at him, I shot Lucy a frown, not quite keen on continuing this conversation.

‘’What do you want?’’ I asked a little defensively as he and the other boy leaned down on the table on either side of me and Lucy. ‘’Just wanted to say hello and congratulate you on how you managed to single-handedly  _ destroy _ my cousin’s reputation,’’ the other one said, his dark glossy hair a tad long, partly obscuring his eyes as he leaned to face me. 

As I continued to watch them sceptically, expecting a prank of some kind, the dark-haired boy suddenly stuck out his hand to me. ‘’Sirius Black, nice to meet you,’’ he said as he grabbed mine and shook it vigorously. ‘’And that’s James. James Potter.’’

The other boy waved with a smirk before returning his gaze to his friend as he continued speaking. ‘’Well, we’ll be hanging around, you could come along someday, perhaps pull a prank or two.’’ A smirk grew on his lips before he turned and returned to the Gryffindor table, joining their other two friends. 

As I pondered what they had said, I could suddenly feel a heavy sense of guilt wash over me, my eyes once more finding Bellatrix’s hunched form. All I could see of her was her back until a pair of mumbling young students passed her and she turned to them in a flash, her eyes harbouring a murderous look. 

For a moment I feared she might do something to the shaken teenagers, but then her gaze suddenly shifted, scanning the people behind her, and eventually, finding me. Our stares locked and she watched me coldly, a look that I returned with an apologetic frown. 

I felt genuinely bad for having put her in this position, but if I had to do it all over again, I would. She was tormenting an innocent, young boy. I couldn’t let that slide and do nothing. My hate for injustice was an important factor in this, and I knew that it would continue to get me in trouble because when someone was treated unfairly, I had to stand up for them.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4 ➛A Golden Perception

The overwhelming sense of guilt was somewhat compromised as I watched Bellatrix react aggressively to anyone who made the brainless mistake of engaging with her. Even her ‘friends’ had no chance of talking to her, as she cut off any attempt at contact with a venomous look.

Lucy spoke to me excitedly all during breakfast, but I wasn’t paying attention to what she was saying, finding myself nodding and agreeing absent-mindedly as my gaze fixed on Bellatrix. It didn’t take long for Lucy to figure out something was bothering me and so she snapped her fingers in front of my face, finally managing to drag my attention away from Black. 

‘’What’s up with you today?’’ she asked, catching my gaze. ‘’You’ve been staring at her for the past ten minutes.’’ Her excitement from before had faltered, replaced by a somewhat concerned frown as she questioned me uncertainly. 

Shrugging, my eyes once more strayed to Bellatrix who had now gotten into a heated argument with the girl sitting opposite her, who I recognized as Narcissa, her sister. Bellatrix was the first to raise her voice, her expression growing irritated, causing Narcissa to desperately try and calm her down, shooting anxious glances at the stares their argument drew toward them. 

Watching the scene quietly, my mind drifted once more to the previous night. Our encounter had been short but it had undeniably been memorable. 

Annoyed at the unwanted intrusion, I tried to turn the memory away, ignoring the fluttering sensation in my stomach as it, nevertheless, conquered my thoughts. Our encounters had been disturbing my mind more often than I liked.  _ She _ had been disturbing my mind more often than I liked. It only served to confuse me even more than I already was, conjuring up feelings that went beyond my understanding. And besides that, as if that wasn’t enough, I had no suitable explanation or reason, whatsoever, for why she caused these feelings which only stimulated my frustration to grow. 

‘’I suppose I’m just a little tired from the past few weeks,’’ I murmured, once more absent-mindedly as I watched Bellatrix leaning over the table, finally seeming to listen to her sister’s pleas, she continued to speak with a hushed voice.

Hoping to catch a few words of their conversation, I frowned as Narcissa’s face turned grave, all concern and irritation dissolving. She stared at her sister and somehow grew even paler than she already was. 

Being too caught up in my own curious thoughts, I failed to notice that Narcissa had suddenly shifted her gaze over her sister’s shoulder, and was staring directly at me. It was only when Bellatrix, too, turned that it finally seemed to penetrate the indistinct mess of thoughts within my mind and I realized my mistake. 

Bellatrix glared at me intensely before getting up and stalking out of the Great Hall, ignoring all the stares and whispers following. Immediately I rose from my seat, almost tripping over the bench in my hurry, as I went after her, leaving Lucy calling out to me in confusion. But her calls were left unanswered as I went after Black trying to keep up with her furious stride. 

Her dark curls bounced swiftly as she strode down the hall, ignoring my calls as I searched for ways to grab her attention. 

Curious faces turned to me as I chased after Bellatrix, calling her name desperately. For all they knew, I had purposefully undermined her treacherous ways and put her in her place, so their curiosity and confusion were understandable. But to me, it had all been a grave and ill-timed mistake. I had not searched to destroy her as her cousin had so gleefully pointed out to me. 

She may be loathed by everyone, but I believed there may be more to her- and her despicable behaviour toward others, for that matter- than she lets on. More than the superficial person she portrays herself to be. There is always a reason for everything. It may be buried deeply in the past but is a reason nonetheless.

Glad to have chosen not to put my robes on before breakfast, I raced after her, my feet moving swiftly beneath me. She continued to ignore me as she walked determinedly down the hall. But as I once more called out to her, this time including her name in my plea, she halted in the middle of the corridor, her shoulders tensing. Her fury with me was obvious and I dreaded the thought that she only grew to hate me more after my attempts to make peace with her. 

As she had so suddenly frozen, I had almost found myself bumping into her, only barely able to stop my body from crashing into hers. Feeling a sense of triumph to have finally gotten a grip on her, I reached for her shoulder, her back turned to me. But as my fingers came in contact with her she turned in a flash, grabbing my throat and slamming me into the wall, her eyes blazing with contempt as she stared at me with cold eyes. ‘’What do you want, mudblood!’’ she yelled, taking her wand out and pointing it at my chest as she squeezed. 

Gasps erupted from the former eagerly curious students as they now backed away from the dangerous scene unfolding before them. Scared but excited at the same time, they lingered, watching with wide eyes and hungry gazes. 

But to me, it felt as if there was no one else present. As if  _ we _ were the only two people in the castle. 

I stared into her eyes and felt a strange ticklish sensation I had never before experienced causing me to frown. But as I did, her grasp only tightened and she bellowed, ‘’Well?’’ 

Confusion was all this girl brought me, so why did I keep engaging with her so mindlessly? Why was her pull so strong that I was unable to resist? What was it about  _ her _ that kept me limitlessly occupied?

‘’I’m sorry.’’ My voice was thick as I stared at her, feeling that familiar fluttering sensation in my stomach as she returned my stare, her intoxicating scent piercing my nostrils. Her anger somewhat dissipated as my words struck her, her brows gradually rising, her eyes never leaving mine. But she had quickly noticed her moment of weakness and as a result, she rammed my head into the wall with renewed vigour, once more burying what I had loosened within her. ‘’You  _ ruined _ me,’’ she hissed, her face inching closer to mine. 

‘’Because of you, I’m a joke. I’m no longer taken seriously.’’ Her voice had dropped dangerously low and it was obvious she was only triggering her own anger as she threatened me. 

‘’But perhaps I should show them that it is  _ perfectly  _ sensible to be afraid of me,’’ she said, pushing the tip of her wand deeper into my chest. 

In spite of her having the upper hand in our current situation, anger flared inside me and I found myself unable to control my actions. 

‘’Perhaps you should try being  _ nice _ . It might work better than your oh so precious fear-based reputation,’’ I spat, grasping her arm tightly. Her gaze darted swiftly to our contact and I noticed she swallowed as she considered an unspoken thought. What was it that hid behind that glazy look of hers, behind her hard and cold exterior?

But then her gaze flicked back to mine, her anger dissolving as she leaned forward. Uncertain and flustered by what she was doing, I swallowed hard, my heart hammering in my chest as my cheeks lit up furiously. I could feel her breath on my neck and her dark curls tickling my face. 

Then she whispered close to my ear, ‘’You should keep that pretty little mouth of yours shut, mudblood. Otherwise, I’ll make sure it never opens again.’’ She paused and turned slightly, her lips brushing my neck before she added, ‘’And that would be a true shame.’’ Her voice no longer had an edge to it, all irritation and fury so suddenly vanishing, and instead, she had seemed almost... _ seductive _ . 

A malicious smirk appeared on her lips as she retreated, catching a glance of my deep scarlet cheeks. In a desperate attempt to quiet the chaotics she caused inside my mind and body, I diverted my gaze. 

Stalking off, she sent me one last glance and stowed away her wand, satisfied with herself and the situation. 

But as I stared after her, my breathing shallow and my heart thumping madly, I took a moment to try and recompose myself as I leaned against the wall, ignoring the sensation-seeking gazes of nearby students. 

And as my breath grew a little more even and the haze in my mind cleared to a certain extent I found myself swallowing, staring at the corner where Bellatrix had just disappeared. 

_ Perhaps this  _ does _ mean something _ , I thought dreadfully, clutching my throat. Still feeling the tingles her fingers had left only moments ago.

_ These feelings she causes... Perhaps there is something to it. _

_ But what? _

**✗**

Once more Bellatrix and I were the talk of the school. But a new story had been rooting itself in the gossiping minds of the students. No longer were they interested in what had happened in detention. No. That had become old news by now. At Hogwarts, rumours were like a contagious disease; once something of interest happened, the whole school would be aware of it in a matter of hours, the story often turned and twisted along the way. And as a sorrowful result, everyone knew of our second encounter before the second period had even started.

My mind had not gotten a  _ moment _ of rest since that morning. The wavering concentration, curious glances and murmurs following me everywhere I went only added up to my frustration. But, in truth, those were nothing compared to the monstrosity of Bellatrix upholding her place within my mind. Why was I unable to banish the thoughts of her? 

I was unsure of what I was feeling or what was driving me, but I did know that it caused me to be excited every time I saw her. No matter how badly I’d deny it, I knew that was the truth. 

She was so  _ intriguing _ . There was something about her that never failed to tickle my curiosity, despite her status and reputation. And all those times when I once more find myself staring at her, I momentarily forget all the things she‘s done; her brilliance and being always leaving me in complete awe. 

Never before had I felt this for another person, and it was only now that I realized, that Bellatrix had been the only one to have distracted me from the crushing grief and loss of my little sister. It struck me like a cannonball and I suddenly felt a weight lift off my shoulders. Would this be my way of eluding the darkness that had before seemed inescapable? 

So instead of lingering among the crowds of students, I turned in the middle of the corridor, making my way in the other direction, dismissing the intention of going to class. Now that I had a clue on how to make myself feel again, I was not going to let it slip through my fingers.

Because the undeniable and unquestionable truth was that Bellatrix Black did make me feel better. She gave me that distinct experience of being  _ alive _ . 

**✗**

By the time I had reached the entrance of the school, all students had already vanished from the halls, trickling into classrooms and leaving the corridors deserted. I had no clue where she could be. For all I knew she had suddenly chosen to become a formidable student and had gone to class, listening to the boring lectures of useless subjects.

But as I stood before the entrance of the castle, staring out onto the grounds, wondering if perhaps my excitement had been unjust, a wave of disappointment rose in me. What were the odds of finding her out here? How big a chance was there she wasn’t actually in class? 

Feeling idiotic for my sense of unrealistic excitement, I turned to go. But suddenly from the corner of my eye, I caught a figure below the willow tree at the edge of the Black Lake.

Immediately I recognized her pale face and dark curls as they levitated in the breeze before once more dropping to her shoulders. Bellatrix was sitting on the ground, leaning against the trunk of the willow, a book in her hand. 

She was a lot less intimidating now that she sat, her head leaning back against the bark of the tree, eyes closed, enjoying the breeze as it swept past, a content expression on her stunning, breathtaking features. Her expression almost seemed peaceful, unbothered by the rumours that now went around the school. 

Intrigued by her attitude I walked onto the grounds, already feeling that familiar fluttering sensation in my stomach as my gaze fixed on her still form. My focus was glued to her, her breathtaking facial beauty seizing every inch of my attention.

She seemed so peaceful and at rest that I almost stopped myself from confronting her, not wanting to break her moment of legitimate satisfaction. But before I had even gotten a chance to turn and leave, her eyes fluttered open. 

I froze and expected her to bombard me with abuse, telling me to  _ piss off _ and making sure I knew my place. But to my greatest surprise, she remained as relaxed as before and watched me without any trace of fury or contempt. Instead, she was calm, a hint of a content smile on her lips. 

‘’Can I help you?’’ she asked, raising an eyebrow. Escaping from my shocked state, I frowned and asked carefully, ‘’Aren’t you mad at me?’’

She sighed and looked up at me as I approached, squinting slightly at the glare of the sun. ‘’I was. Mad enough to probably strangle you.’’ Her tone was serious, but I was uncertain if she  _ was  _ being legitimate. On second thought, knowing her, she probably was. 

‘’But then after a considerable amount of time, I realized that our roles were reversed once more,’’ she said with a smirk. ‘’And I returned to my place at the top.’’

‘’I have my reputation back so I supposed it wouldn’t be necessary to kill you,’’ she said, once more leaning back and closing her eyes. ‘’Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m rather busy.’’ 

Frowning at her indifferent behaviour I took another few steps toward her. ‘’Why are you suddenly so...  _ passive _ ? Normally you wouldn’t...’’ 

But my sentence was cut off as her eyes shot open and she stared at me with a deadly glare. ‘’Careful, mudblood. I’m not your lapdog,’’ she hissed, her former and usual venomous demeanour once more floating to the surface. ‘’Do not compare me with aggressive beasts.’’

‘’There you are again,’’ I mumbled under my breath. ‘’What was that?’’ Her tone had once more sharpened and her brows were already furrowed in anger so I quickly waved it away before we found ourselves in  _ another _ argument. She relaxed against the tree but continued to eye me suspiciously.

‘’Why did you come out here again?’’ she asked irritatedly after a momentary silence. Shaking the situation from my mind, I reignited the determination that had before wavered at the sight of her. But now I squatted in front of her, looking into her dark brown eyes before saying seriously, ‘’we need to talk.’’ 


	5. Chapter 5

Situations with Bellatrix were always unpredictable. It was impossible to guess what her reaction might be. Sometimes she would completely freak out while at other times she remained indifferent. But always, her reaction came as a surprise, never truly fitting the situation.

‘’What about?’’ she asked as she straightened a bit, closing her book as her gaze drifted back up to me. In all truth, I had not given a moment of thought to what I would tell her. I had acted impulsively in the heat of the moment, and now I stood silently before her, searching for words. 

‘’What is it we’re doing?’’ I asked finally, my voice quiet. Blinking, she stared into my eyes, her expression unable to read. ‘’Whatever do you mean?’’ 

Her gaze was strong and unwavering. Serious but laced with curiosity. She had me enchanted, and I once more felt a storm of fluttering butterflies in my stomach, fighting to escape. 

‘’T-this dance we’re doing,’’ I said. ‘’One moment you hate my guts, and then suddenly, the hate vanishes and is replaced by something else. Something I’m not entirely sure how to describe...’’

Discomfort rose within me and I grew anxious with anticipation for her reaction. If I made some grave mistake she would think me an idiot and never talk to me again. And I was uncertain if that was what I wanted, despite her rude and intrusive behaviour. 

Excrucable moments passed where she remained silent, her gaze boring into my skull. Swallowing, my eyes darted, unable to focus on her face as a blush was creeping onto my cheeks. 

‘’Why don’t you come to the entrance of the Great Hall tonight. Then I’ll show you.’’ Her voice reflected my own, quiet and serious. But still, her gaze remained untouched, while she had me already flustered by her piercing gaze. 

She grinned and added. ‘’Two o’clock. Don’t be late.’’ And with that, she pushed herself off the ground and made her way back to the castle. 

Staring after her, I forced down a swallow and frowned. Still, I had gained no answers, and I wondered if it would be a good idea to do as she said. For all I knew, she had grown tired of me and would curse me, or something of the sort. 

As my confused gaze returned to the place where she had just sat, my eyes caught a small object lying in the grass. Crouching, I picked it up. In my hand was the book she had been reading moments ago. 

Shooting a glance at the entrance of the castle I searched for her, but she had already disappeared behind the walls. Was she leaving me a breadcrumb trail, or was she trying to send a message? Or perhaps, she had really forgotten her book and I was overthinking this way too much. Uncertainly, I stowed the book into my bag and returned to school. I’d give it back later.

And once more, as I strode toward the castle, I wondered if it would be a good idea to meet with her. 

But I knew as I entered the school, that I was going to go anyways. Because she was simply irresistible. 

**✗**

‘’Where did you go?’’ Lucy asked me as I joined her at the table for lunch. ‘’I wasn’t feeling well,’’ I murmured, hoping my lame excuse would be sufficiently convincing. 

Her brow knitted together as I grew silent, grabbing a piece of toast. She didn’t believe me, that much was obvious from the way she was watching me. My mind was occupied with other things, and at the moment, education was certainly not a priority, not at this point in time. First I should find a way to survive this hell called life. But with this new possibility at happiness, or at least,  _ distraction _ , I had been granted a final shimmer of hope and I felt the dread in my stomach slowly ebb away until all that was left of it was a dull, faded thought in the back of my mind.

‘’Well, if you do not want to share your thoughts, that’s your decision,’’ Lucy said, as she cast her gaze down at her plate. She was only concerned for me, and yet, I could not share my thoughts with her. ‘’Professor Flitwick, however, has asked me to inform you that he expects you at his office after class. He wants to have a  _ chat _ .’’

As her words pierced the fog of my mind, I turned to her sharply and raised an eyebrow. ‘’Did he tell you what about?’’ 

Raising an eyebrow, Lucy shook her head and let out a tired sigh. ‘’Charlie, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it’s obvious to everyone you’re not doing well,’’ her voice lowered as she cast a hesitant glance at the surrounding students. They were all too preoccupied with their own conversations to notice us. 

‘’Your attendance is dreadful. And when you  _ are  _ present, you constantly seek out to confront your professors and when you don’t, you’re never really  _ there _ ,’’ she said, her eyes once more taking over that concerned look. ‘’Your mind is always drifting, never focusing on any of your studies.’’

Shifting my gaze away from her, my jaw clenched. I knew what she was saying was true, but most of the time I felt dreadful. A constant ache, persistent and unceasing, as thoughts of my innocent little sister, came to mind. The only thing that distracted me from her was Bellatrix, and she, too, had my mind straying from its intentions.

‘’I know it’s been really hard for you since…’’ she broke off as I shot her a frown. Returning an apologetic look she continued slowly, carefully as if one wrong word could set me off, ‘’But life goes on. You can’t let your past get in the way of your happiness.’’ 

My head snapped towards her and my eyes were ablaze as her words rolled around my mind, repeating itself, echoing endlessly. ‘’She  _ died _ , Lucy,’’ I growled, my voice low as my gaze fixed on hers. 

Immediately her eyes filled with regret as she studied my face. ‘’I know, I’m sorry…’’

But before she could continue, I had cut her off, once more feeling the embers of fury glow within me. ‘’She was the only family I had left. The only one who had stood by me. The only one who  _ understood _ the shit I was put through.’’

My voice was slowly rising in volume and faces turned our way, studying the situation and listening closely, wondering if perhaps, a third rumour could be squeezed out of me. 

But at the moment, nothing mattered. Once more my feelings had seized control and I could not keep it in as it all poured out, directed at the one friend I might’ve left in the world. 

‘’What do you want me to do? To just forget about her? Forget about Anne?’’ I spat, disgust dripping from my voice. She raised her hands and tried to calm me down desperately, as she murmured apologies and repeatedly begged me to sit back down. 

‘’Fuck you,’’ I yelled, my voice ringing above all other conversation. 

Before anyone could get the chance to get a sense of what was happening, I stormed from the Great Hall. And until I disappeared around the corner, eyes tearful, I could feel countless eyes on my back, judging me and wondering when the time would come I would just... _ snap _ .

**✗**

As I slammed the door of my dorm shut behind me, I threw my bag onto the ground and buried my hands in my hair, grabbing it tightly as feelings of confusion and frustration poured out of me. 

This anger within me...it was a poison. Growing into an unquenchable fire once it had been ignited. There was nothing to do but let it roar as it grew, taking my ability to think clearly and making me act out impulsively as the haze in my mind grew ever denser. 

Pulling at my hair, I yelled and threw over a cabinet and watched as the contents of its drawers went sprawling across the floor. Kicking it hard with a shout of frustration, my attention strayed to the heap of fabric that lay on the floor, tears on my cheeks as my brows furrowed in fury. 

There was nothing left in this world without  _ her _ . Why did they have to take her? What was it she had done wrong? 

Feeling another surge of furious anger rise within me, I dropped to my knees and grabbed at the clothes lying before me. Taking one of my shirts, I hooked my hands into the neck hole and pulled until I heard the fabric rip. The satisfying sound of  _ destruction _ .

Had my heart made the same sound when Anne’s limp form had drifted into my vision? Her milky-white skin, her dull and unblinking eyes staring at the ceiling. Had my heart  _ ripped _ in two that day? Or had it shattered into a million pieces, like a set of expensive china? 

But the thing is, china can be replaced. No matter the cost, there is always a second set of it, lying somewhere in a store or shop. But there is no second Anne. And neither is there a second heart for me to take on. Once it’s shattered, we’re supposed to find a way to glue it back together, living with the scars it leaves behind. 

But the sad and crushing truth was that I didn’t know if I would be capable of that… And somehow, Lucy expected me to pull myself together as if it has been a mere disappointment of life. As if I had been rejected by a crush or gotten a bad grade for an essay. But Lucy had lived a privileged, undisturbed,  _ perfect _ life. And as much as I hated to judge, she had absolutely no insight into what my life had been like.

And with a final, furious shout I fell back against the floor, hugging my knees to my chest as I sobbed, tears running freely down my cheeks.

It was then, that my true pain set in. It came like a wave, its merciless weight dragging me down the ocean of thoughts, never releasing its grip as my lungs ran out of air. My chest was constricted, and I found myself barely able to draw in a breath. 

Or was it an illusion? An illusion that this unbearable pain was causing me to experience? But the loss of Anne’s life had torn me apart. And I no longer knew what was real or not. 

And it was now, as my walls slowly crumbled around me, and I sat weeping on the stone floor, that my true feelings were revealed to the world. No more masks, no more fake expressions. This was it, my  _ true _ grief.

If there had only been someone to see…

**✗**

Night came slowly. 

All I could do after my outburst was lay in bed, and cry until I was out of tears. And when that moment came, all I did as the numbness engulfed me was staring at the wall, remains of former tears still staining my face. 

My vision was blurry, my mind in a haze. There were no thoughts that could pierce it, and I found myself alone with my feelings, as they did whatever they wished. 

Slowly, as the sky grew darker, painted with a deeper shade of orange, I started drifting off. Since lunch, I had not been out of bed, and yet, I was still tired. Lucy had not come to me, and I wondered if she would. 

Suddenly I felt a wave of regret flow within me. Lucy was my only friend. She only tried to help. But some other part of me, a distant part, grew conscious of the raging anger that was within me at all times. And I knew I was growing unstable. Little things were enough to send me into a raging fit, one that I was unable to control.

And as voices neared the dormitory, I strained to hear what they were saying. ‘’I think Charlie’s in there.’’ It was Lucy. 

‘’Is she OK?’’ came another voice. Then there was silence, and I felt a pang of guilt in my chest. Slowly their shadows moved away from the door, their voices hushed as they continued their conversation. As they moved, I wanted to yell, to scream out to them to help me end this insufferable pain. 

But as my eyes followed the shadows of their feet, my mouth remained shut, my tongue limp. And as they disappeared, I lost all hope. 

My tear-sore eyes strayed to my open bag, its contents sprawled across the ground. As my gaze found the book Bellatrix had left, I sat up a little staring at it with a frown. Uncertainly, I picked it up and read the title. 

It was just a school book. But it had been hers. 

Bringing it close to my face, I allowed my nose to pick up her scent. And as I lay back down, the book hugged to my chest, it was as if there was another soul with me. As if she was there with me. It made me feel a little less lonely. 

  
  



End file.
